Thursday, December 01, 2005

Can't be arsed to think of a fancy title

Ok, so sim is making me feel like crap again... It sucks coz she doesn't do it on purpose...
Maybe i'm just a sensitive little soul who takes everything way too personally... yeah that's probably it. It sucks but i can't really help the way i am... I try to not be pissed off, i really do.
But i'll try to think of the good things and when i'm feeling pissed off i'm just not in the mood to think of the good things.
I've been waiting all day to speak to her and she was on for like 5 minutes... and i dunno maybe i'm not very good at telling people's emotions online but it didn't seem like she really cared... and now we can't talk until sunday which is bullshit!
I just think i really needed to talk to her tonight after last night which started out good and was good pretty much all the way through until just before we left.
She just had to mention some hot guy she might be seeing on Friday or something... and that was ok, she even told me he has a girlfriend... but right when i was feeling reassured and all good about she said how he always finds ways to touch her... implying that he might like her... she probably didn't mean it in that way but it seemed to me like she thought 'ok, i'll reassure her... fuck that i wanna make her feel bad again.' And then she proceeded to tell me about the fun stuff they do together at work and stuff... something i really didn't care to hear.
So then i was feeling pretty bad in bed last night. I came to the conclusion that i'm jealous, not only of those people she is friends with like this dean fella and mike, but also the fact that she has them. She seems to have heaps of friends and lots of close guy friends which i don't have coz i'm too quiet so it's kinda hard to make new friends... not that i don't have any but the only close ones i have are the ones i've been friends with for years.
Um yeah so that sucked and then her little mood thing on elftown said '13 days to mikeness' which i'm not sure what it means but if he's coming to australia or something and visits sim then i'll be extremely worried and depressed.
And then i thought she'd be online today coz she said she finished work at 1... she wasn't online at all which made me feel worse... turns out she had to work until 7 which is cool but at the time i was a bit upset.
And then i was feeling a bit better coz i made a deal with myself that if james blunt comes on the tv then i'll feel better and sure enough, a james blunt song came on about 30 seconds later so that was all good.
But now i'm back to feeling like crap.
Hopefully venting my feelings like this will make me feel better...
Sometimes i just think that maybe this thing with her isn't worth it... coz she makes me feel fantastic... but also makes me feel like shit.
I never used to have depressive periods... now i do all the time.
I just don't wanna end it because i love her so incredibly much... and she actually loves me back. And while she may hurt me a lot, it's never intentional. And i can barely go a few days without talking to her... and i may have to not talk to her for a very long time if i broke it off... and then there's the fact that she'd probably be really upset and i'd never want to hurt her... i know how upset she was when craig broke it off... and she told me (don't know if its true though) that she liked craig but LOVED me... so that might make it worse...
Basically, i just don't want to... but when i think about it, maybe it would've been better if this just didn't happen at all.

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